Thursday, December 18, 2008

Baby Bonus

Qualification Information

1. Who can get Baby Bonus?
Anyone silly enough to do the "deed" and actually follow through full term is entitled to the baby bonus.
2. What residence requirements does Baby Bonus have?
You must be an Austalian resident and member of the 1750 Sports commute.

Claim Information  

1. How do I claim Baby Bonus?
The baby bonus can be claimed at any time in the last week before birth on a Tuesday or Thursday. Special consideration may be made for cases that cannot be claimed on the normal day. Working hours are from 1750 - 1920 Tues and Thur.
2. How do I find out the outcome of my claim?
The outcome of the claim can be checked at Concord Hospital round about by poking or mere sensing the lactic acid built up in the legs. If consistent pain has been felt on the lead up to the Concord Hospital round about then payment may have already been made.

Payment Information

1. How much Baby Bonus do I get?
As much as you can handle.
2. Is there an income/assets test?
Yes. All eligible people must be:
a.       Cyclists
b.      Members of the 1750 Sports Commute
c        Australian Residents
d.       Willing to suffer
e.       Willing to chase and hold wheels
f.       Willing to take occasional bribes
g.       Willing to form alliances when required with other sufferies.
3. When are payments adjusted?
Payments are adjusted on the fly depending on the suffering being delivered and the responses to changes in pace. 

Current Customer Information

1. Do I still get Baby Bonus if I leave Australia?
No. Once you leave Australia you should refer to the Centre Link Guide on how to make claims on new bonus systems.
2. Does Baby Bonus get reviewed?
Yes. The baby bonus is reviewed on a applicant basis. The appropriate payment will be levied on application.
3. What should I do if my circumstances change?
If the outcome looks grim you should write to:

Centre Link Baby Bonus, Locked Bag 555, NSW 555.
If the outcome is favourable then the levy should be raised.


More Information

1. Can I appeal if I disagree with a decision made?
Yes appeals on unfavourable decisions will be heard if:
a.       The wind noise is low enough to make conversation possible
b.      The levy is slow enought to make conversation possible
c        You are close enought to make conversation possible
2. What other payments and concessions might I get?
If you are fortunate you may get a puncture for your efforts.
3. What services and programs can I use?
You may use any 2 wheeled, non reclining, pedal power service available.
4. Can I get a factsheet about this payment?
Yes. Every afternoon a role call will be made and tenders will be heard.
5. How do I find out more about Baby Bonus?
What all of that wasn't enough? In fact I'm surprised you read this far.