Tuesday, September 29, 2009

RULES

Rules suck, and should never be written down.

Having said that. Here they are:

Rules – Equipment

Wheels

  • Minimum spoke count: 28
  • Maximum spoke count: 32
  • 700c
  • Any form of racing wheel is prohibited eg, ZIPPS
  • Must be clincher
  • Must be aluminium
  • Must not have large or cool looking decals

Tyres

  • Coloured tyres are prohibited
  • Minimum width 23
  • Maximum width 23
  • Preferred types – Conti Ultra Sport, Conti Gator Skin, Conti GP4000
  • Acceptable types – whatever is on special
  • Needless to say fat or knobbly tyres are prohibited
  • Label must always align with valve

Frames

  • Must not be a European brand (old school steel frames are excepted from this rule, but they must have been re-sprayed recently)
  • Must not be made of titanium or other wanky material
  • Must not be made of carbon

Forks

  • Must be made of carbon

Handlebars

  • Regular road drop bars only (but never use the drops, except to signal Schmycledan)
  • No wing type aero bars
  • No TT extensions
  • No moustache bars
  • Bar tape must never be loose, falling off or dirty
  • No electrical tape near the bar plugs
  • Electrical tape must match the colour of the bar tape with the exception of a black/white combination

Chainrings/cranks

  • Minimum number of rings 2
  • Maximum number of rings 2
  • Acceptable big ring tooth range 53 – 53
  • Acceptable small ring tooth range 39 – 39
  • Minimum arm length 172.5
  • Maximum arm length 172.5

Cassette

  • Small cog should be an 11. Never use the 11. (those riders with 11 tooth cogs with have them inspected regularly for signs of use)
  • Maximum should be 23
  • Fixed or single speeds are expressly FORBIDDEN

Pedals

  • Keo
  • Clip in only
  • Must have sufficient scuff marks from contact with the road

Prohibited Accessories

  • Flashing front lights
  • Weird looking home made front lights (It’s 2009 people, Ayups, Newts or USBs please)
  • Reflectors
  • Bells or horns
  • Mirrors
  • Fenders
  • Panniers
  • Large saddle bags (should only be able to fit half an inner tube)
  • Bottles over 400ml capacity.
  • HR monitors
  • Reflectors in the wheels
  • Valve lid caps
  • Cadence sensors
  • Power meters

Rules – Clothing

Jerseys

  • Short sleeve
  • No team jerseys, unless you are currently on the payroll of that team and it’s a contractual requirement, this will be checked
  • Must not be overly worn out, unless it is an old LACC team kit and it has been damaged by racing accidents. Bonus points if your only recollection of the accident is 3rd hand information.
  • Must not have holes that were not caused by a racing accident
  • Must not contain anything relating to a cyclo sportif event (eg, Sydney to gong, spring cycle, around the bay etc)
  • Must not contain anything relating to the following groups:

1. Hunters Hill group

2. Hunters Hill related groups

3. Hunters Hill splinter groups

4. Hunters Hill related splinter related splinter groups with secret handshakes

Kinks

  • Bib nicks only
  • The nicks with the extra ventilation above the arse crack (also known as the bean sprout patch) are expressly FORBIDDEN
  • Must not have holes that were not caused by a racing accident
  • Must not have holes near the arse crack, even if they were caused by a racing accident

Helmets

  • Must not have the Australian approved sticker on the inside
  • Must not be scratched in anyway
  • Should be very clean, with the exception of the below point
  • Should have salt lines caked on the straps

Shoes

  • Sidi

Legs

  • Shall not have any chain/chainring markings
  • Shall not have hair growth exceeding 4mm
  • Triathlon numbering is strictly FORBIDDEN
  • Shall be covered by knee warmers in temperatures below 16c
  • Shall be covered by leg warmers in temperatures below 14c

Arms

  • Shall be covered by arm warmers in temperatures below 15c

Prohibited Clothing

  • Zip ties on helmets
  • Bandanas
  • Sweat bands
  • Reflective items
  • Hi-viz items
  • Large backpacks (Any back pack shall not exceed any of these dimensions H:300mm, L:200mm, D:100mm)
  • Camelbacks

Prohibited Activities

  • Talking to the hubbards at the lights (or even acknowledging them)
  • Discussions about getting a 1750 team kit
  • Acknowledging the existence of any patron of the pub standing on the footpath at Concord
  • Using the drops at speeds below 45kmph
  • Replying “Maybe” to the in-or-out afternoon email
  • Asking about someone’s current hart rate
  • Complaining about the speed
  • Commenting one anyone else’s appearance, except to call them fat
  • Unclipping on tight ramp corners – learn how to ride before attempting the 1750
  • Being overtaken by any bike with the following items:

§ Flat bars

§ Suspension

§ Knobbly tyres

§ Fixed gears

§ Triple chain rings

§ Panniers

§ Mirrors

§ Flat Pedals

§ Or any bike considered “ugly” in general

§ Anyone riding a European brand bike especially a Pinarello

§ Actually, unless it is Team Saxo Bank out training and being motor paced, you shouldn’t be overtaken by anyone

If you are overtaken, re-overtaking just looks desperate, never do this. Find an alternate route. OR suck their wheel all the way to where ever they are going, with a large overlap and with excessive, loud freewheeling.

9 comments:

Paul said...

Gee you didn't miss much! I don't know if I can pass half of these rules, lucky I live in Melbourne! ;-)

Anonymous said...

This is a joke, right?

PS: bells or horns and reflectors are a legal requirement, aren't they?

Anonymous said...

Carbon forks! Are you soft?

Anonymous said...

is that all?
easy!
one question:
hubbards as in l. ron?

BOB said...

PS: bells or horns and reflectors are a legal requirement, aren't they?

- for hubbards, yes they are.

Carbon forks! Are you soft?

- yes, no

Grant said...

Do you have a Western Australian group. My friend Jon would qualify!

Actually, I'm wrong. He doesn't wear Sidis!

Bruce said...

What's wrong with a European frame? What else is there worth owning?
Bruce, Perth.

Grant, also from Perth said...

"The nicks with the extra ventilation above the arse crack (also known as the bean sprout patch) are expressly FORBIDDEN"

GOLD!

This should be made law!

So I guess streamers are also out?

BOB said...

@ Grant
Do you have a Western Australian group. My friend Jon would qualify!

-No, no

Actually, I'm wrong. He doesn't wear Sidis!

-We've all tried other shoes, this rule is to make things easier. There is no other choice. Unless you don't have feet.


@ Bruce
there is a time and place for everything, the 1750 is not such a place.


@ Grant, bean sprout patch

- this is the law, look it up.
- Streamers aren't covered, neither is eating your own poop. common sense please.